Sometimes, I leave Emily-the-sat-nav on, when I’m returning from my destination on a known route home, just to see if I can annoy her. It’s purely in the interests of education, you understand. I have a feeling she’s been repressed, and requires exposure to the frustrations of everyday modern life.
So, when she says, ‘Recalculating,’ I reply, ‘Please wait, while we try to connect you.’ She remains calm, despite my continued refusal to turn right at any of the several next junctions.
I’ve never quite trusted her ability to maintain such calm. Somewhere under that po-faced-tone is a sense of humour, I’m sure. If there is no personality, why has she been given a human name?
The Urban Dictionary says that:
A girl with the name Emily can be very shy at first, but she doesn’t show it. Once an Emily gets to know you, she may get a little crazy. An Emily is usually artistic. They tend to hide their emotions, they’re good problem solvers and very flexible with schedules.
Clearly, sat-nav-Emily needs encouragement to reach her full potential. So, I keep a tatty old map book behind the seat, and periodically, I do Observation Reports on Emily’s navigation skills. Her potential gradings are ‘Exceptional’, ‘Good’, ‘Requires Improvement,’ or ‘Inadequate.’
Up to now, there’s been little change in my feedback: While Emily is technically competent, she lacks zing or charm. Accuracy is all very well, but her delivery is dry. I’m not suggesting she needs to go so far as, ‘here be monsters,’ but a little colour might liven up a delivery that borders on monotony. There have been times when Emily has failed to put her point across effectively, even at full volume. Hence my grading is: Requires Improvement.
Suggested Actions: Emily should familiarise herself with some A-Zs, which are rumoured to contain jokes, and even some of the older maps, which demonstrate charm, imagination and artfulness while still maintaining their basic accuracy.
*Image taken from: No Mean Prospect: Ralph Sheldon’s Tapestry Maps, by Hilary L. Turner.